The F word, is like a knife, a sharp blade, which pierces into the
body, mind and soul, leaving a person to suffer in agony, torturing,
tormenting. A voice inside me jeers, sneers, laughs at me, but I can do
nothing, because it was all my own fault. The F word, the word I initially
thought I would never encounter with in my whole life, it came to me
today.
It was heartbreaking, I was devastated. I had a strong feeling
that this would happen, but why now? Why not other times, when everything is
still not as important as it is now? Everything I predicted fell apart, all my
confidence is diminished, I am weak. It came out of the blue, out of nowhere, I
didn't see it coming at all. It caught me by surprise, it was unbelievable. Now
that it had happened, I am speechless. The fact that I could not blame anyone
for it made it haunt me every single moment. How am I supposed to deal with
this? How am I supposed to confront my parents? I had let them down, I let
myself down.
My future is a blur.
My record is spoiled. This is a catastrophe. How will people see
me when they noticed this? Am I deteriorating? Am I really not as good as
others? Will I continue to drown in this whirlpool, which is so hard to escape,
pulling my down into the dark and formless hole without and end? I am no
different than others now. I am deprived from many chances I initially
had, but now have no more.
Help me, O Lord. I can’t do this all by myself, I need you. I hate
myself. I am frustrated. I feel like screaming but I can only do it inside. It
hurts.
