Every time I felt that there are tonnes of things to blog about, but it all turned out zero when I sit in front of the computer. Sometimes I admire people who are capable of posting passages and passages non-stop, but what I can do is to only read them.
People say I have a strong grasp of language power, some say that I got a handful on how to communicate with others. Nevertheless I could never persuade myself that I am like what people think of me, because how can someone who can't write have good writing skills? How can I be good in talking when I can't even talk properly in front of a person, not to say in front of the public? All the time I tried to convince myself that I am those kinds of persons who don't like to talk, who bottles up feelings and only listen to others, but not voicing out any opinions. In fact, I AM that kind of person, but in real life it seemed that in the eyes of others, I am not. When doing group projects, I wanted to do it on my own, I don't like group-study, group discussions and group presentations, I want to do things MYSELF. This might sound crazy, but its the truth - I don't like going out with friends.
Okay I admit, this is half true. I don't like going out with friends, except those friends whom I really trust and treasure. There is no specific definition on how do I classify my 'normal' and 'close' friends. I just follow what i feel. When I like this specific person, I would naturally put him/her under my 'best friend' group. I don't really care if they know it or not, I don't care if I had thoroughly understood them or not, I don't care what people think about them. This is my way of socializing, and I'm happy with it. Frankly, I may have a lot of friends, but I only have a few 'true friends'. I believe that maybe one day our friendship would fade away, but I would never possibly forget them for the rest of my life.
Back to my self-questioning, am I lacking confidence? I don't know, people say that I have great confidence in whatever I do. I guess that's my problem - I don't know what's the problem. Now this is confusing..... I am always saying that "People say this...." and "People say that..." about me, and I often regard what people said as the truth. People say I'm confident, okay, I am confident. People say I'm too shy, okay I'm too shy.
That's me. What should I do?
I admit that I do not deserve some things that I currently have, and I know that there is someone more suitable to have it than me. I know that people are talking behind my back: He does not deserve this, I have better capabilities, what is so good about him? blah blah blah...
They know that I knew, but they just won't stop! This is insulting but I have nothing to do other than to keep quiet and shut up, let the injustice and agony hurt like a needle straight to my heart until I feel numb. Well, I withstood the pressure all these days and fortunately, I am used to it. Call me names, look down on me, humiliate me, challenge me, do whatever you like, I won't care, never.
I do not mean to discriminate anyone in this post, or to express my hurt feelings or to show that I am pity whatsoever. This is just a note to those friends of mine: I'll bear with you for some more time, and then I will kick the X
of you out of my entire life. Pick on me and suffer the consequences.
Too straightforward but I hope you won't mind. Some of my friends say that I am TOO hypocritical. It's time to show that I am NOT. :)